Arguably, fall is my favorite time of the year. I love the crisp mornings, the colors of the leaves, changing into beautiful hues of gold and crimson – apple cider, football, chili and hearty holiday meals spent with friends and family. It is a time to come together and reflect on the year and all the things for which we are grateful. For me, it is also a time to reset. Those who know me well know each year in the fall, I take stock of my relationships – I do an inventory, assessing if I brought my best self to each one and gauging if I met the best self of the other person. I evaluate the time, effort, energy that the relationship took on my part and recall what I gained in return.
Did I leave interactions feeling uplifted or drained? Did I hear from the person to genuinely check on me or were the calls related to an ask? Could I rely on the person if I really needed them? Would they show up for me? And based on this assessment, I recalibrate my availability in the relationship – I give more when I feel valued and appreciated and I give less when I feel taken from and used. Generally, this is a practice I’ve done for over a decade and it has worked from an accountability standpoint for me.
My word for 2021 was EXPLORE and at the time, when it resonated in my spirit, I had no idea what the Lord was planning to do. But I have been stretched in ways unimaginable this year – in some ways of my own doing and in others ways, life met me in new ways. This year I planted a garden for the first time, and it was a spiritual experience. Every time I’d go to work it in the morning, I would have the deepest conversations with the Lord and He would minister to me so richly and fully, it would take me weeks and sometimes months to fully digest it.
One morning, when I was prepping the beds, I went out to break the ground to get ready for planting the following week. I was dressed for the occasion, with my scrubs, garden apron, hand tools and pick ax – earbuds in, ready to work and worship. After an hour of fighting with the ground to break it up, I surveyed my progress and had barely unearthed a corner! I said to the Lord, “This is HARD! I’m going to have to pay someone to help me finish this or I will never get done!” The Spirit brought to my remembrance the parable of the sower from Matthew 13:3-9: “Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. 9 Whoever has ears, let them hear.”
You have to be intentional about having a heart that is good ground. It takes willingness on your part to allow the Holy Spirit to unearth the hard, compacted, and stony soil of your heart to get to the good ground – the moist, rich, soil that crumbles in your hand. It lives underneath the thoughts, ideas, belief systems and patterns we erect in the name of protection or habit. I’ve thought a lot about that morning with the Lord, how I marveled at the life beneath the hard soil – the worms and small bugs creating an ecosystem – it’s a whole world of activity going on in the ground! Much like our hearts. There are living things buried deep within, moving and working – creating the ecosystem needed for fruit to develop.
It is a miracle that God brings a harvest from a seed planted in a dark place. And that seed, in darkness and stillness, goes thru the process so that it can manifest fruit in its season. I also had to learn how to be still so I could go through my process. I didn’t know how to not be doing something. I have long regarded productivity to be the hallmark of value, so the idea of doing nothing and being still seemed like an opportunity missed to me. I could be doing something with that time, working on something. But I felt the Spirit nudging me to quiet, in the most uncomfortable of ways, at various points throughout the year.
In the stillness, I found myself – all the pieces and parts I had been too busy or unwilling to meet. The scared little girl, the hurt woman, the frustrated wife, the vulnerable daughter – who didn’t quite know how to use her voice to ask for what she needed. I found the Lord – patient and gracious, the Holy Spirit being a kind teacher, pruning me and nourishing me to elevate my mindset without judging me for my humanity. On one such occasion, I started my reflection on my relationships over the last year. I felt the Spirit saying, “You must learn to do it differently.”
My evaluation had largely been transactional – compassion far from the tactical calculations I recounted. It didn’t account for grace, which is certainly needed. It didn’t flow with nuance. It was black and white in a world full of grey. My inner child, or ego, or perhaps both, put this system in place to protect myself.
But it was constructed from a place of victimization. And when I evaluated myself in relationship with the Lord, if He held me to my standards of others, He would recalibrate very far from me. How much time had I spent with the Lord to just be in His presence? How many times did I check on Him just to offer praise or let Him know He was on my mind? Did I make time for Him to just commune or did I only call on Him when I had a problem? Did I sit quietly in His presence waiting for His answer or just say all I need to say with a quick amen so I could get back to my day? Lord have mercy on my root system.
Most recently I’ve been pondering on a passage in Hosea where Israel is taken into account for idolatry, corruption, rebellion and pride. It is a call to repentance and reformation. It is indicative of our current state, as a nation, to me. And tucked deep in the chapter is a nod to harvest time – but with the Lord. “Sow righteousness, Reap love. It’s time to till the ready earth, It’s time to dig in with God, Until he arrives with righteousness ripe for harvest.” –Hosea 10:12 MSG Lord, I come before you with thanksgiving in my heart that You love me enough to speak clearly words of hope, correction, and life into my being. I am grateful to be Your daughter and please forgive me of all the times I’ve fallen short in my relationship with You. Help me to walk in Your ways and seek Your face. Please give me grace and a willing heart when You unearth stony places in me. Help me to see it is for my good! Lord, I want to be close to You – lead me in the path of righteousness. Help me to dig in with you, even through my layers, traumas, habits, and thought processes. Give me grace for the journey and help me to be steadfast until You come. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen!