Welcome to 2023!! I was honored when I was asked to be the first blog post of the new year for The Breaks Ministries. I was given a link to the website so I could see what those before me had written and hoped that their words would light a fire within myself. Then the worry and doubt set in. Why would anyone read your testimony. Who are you to tell people about the wonders of Jesus when you can’t even name the books of the Bible outside of Genesis, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John and Revelation? Why would anyone want to read about someone who found Jesus, strayed away and then fell in love again? Does this make me a fraud? A fake? A phony? Or a realistic example of a follower of Christ?
The Very Brief but Important Beginning: I grew up in church surrounded by pews, choirs and Pastors warning of surrendering to Christ or facing an eternity of damnation. Hearing that as a kid made me want to get baptized as soon as possible to save my soul!! So, that’s exactly what I did! I held up my hands and declared Jesus as my savior and became the talk amongst my friends. Back then, I didn’t fully understand the magnitude of my commitment. I just knew that I would be able to eat that cool cracker and drink that neat juice that came in the little cups. Which to me, was worth it.
The Middle: This is the part where I would suggest you grab tissues Remember how I mentioned that I strayed away? Well, I fell in love with Jesus again after my Father was diagnosed with cancer. While I didn’t have the best relationship with my Dad, his diagnosis brought us closer together while we focused on making the most out of the time we had left. I was determined that I would become the most faithful follower because I believed that would give us more time together. During one church service, people were standing up and giving their testimonies about Gods healing and how prayer still works. In the same service, we had the option to come up and receive prayer cloths that we could give to our loved ones so they could experience a form of spiritual/physical healing. I was SO EXCITED to present my Dad with the prayer cloth as he breathed through the ventilator. He died two days later with the prayer cloth still attached to his pillow. I was devastated! Did I not do enough? Did I not pray enough? To make matters worse, the Pastor, who came to pray over my now deceased and un-healed father suggested that his death was healing because it put him in the arms of Jesus. That is the last thing I wanted to hear because how could the Savior, who had healed so many turn his back against my tears and prayers and take my Dad away? How were there so many hateful people still walking the planet and yet, my Daddy was taken while on a ventilator. How was that fair? I prayed, I fasted, I stood in a long line for an anointed prayer cloth and he STILL died. At that moment, I decided I was going to survive to the best of my ability alone; because clearly, I was being ignored. When people say that hurt people, hurt people it’s the truth. After the death of my Father, I was angry and bitter. I didn’t want to see people post about their families, I hated Fathers Day, I didn’t want to hear anyone saying they were healed and I for dang sure didn’t want to hear about peoples personal miracles. During this time, I gained more weight than I ever had and suffered with harmful thoughts and depression. I pushed those who loved me away and just became mean for no reason at all. I was hurting and I wanted everyone I came into contact with to hurt, just as badly as I did. I was a miserable person on the inside but on the outside, I still presented myself as whole. I was truly LOST.
The Mended: As my life continued to spiral out of control, I hit a mental wall. I was in a very dark place with no hope and no reason to be here. I felt truly alone and abandoned and as I sat crying on my bed, I began to do something that I hadn’t done in years. I began to pray. I started my prayer by reintroducing myself and then quickly apologized for being rusty when it came to praying. I explained how embarrassed I was that I put my faith in a piece of cloth instead of laying my burdens down. I wept and screamed as I prayed because I was sending out a spiritual SOS and hoping that God would find me; to my surprise, he did. Not only did he find me, he sent people who would pray with me and for me. I became more vulnerable about my feelings and truly began to WANT to understand his word. God found me when I was at my lowest and when I was most ashamed. For that, I am grateful. On November 13, 2022, I requested to be baptized again as an adult with a new understanding of what Christ means to me. On December 18, 2022, I was baptized after publicly professing my faith in Christ. I am walking into 2023 with a new outlook on forgiveness and while hurt people may hurt people, healed people also heal people. I share my testimony to say this, no matter how lost and alone you may feel in life, there is someone you can always return to. Every last one of us are precious to God and he will rejoice for our return to his arms as though we never left. It’s never too late to return home.