I Am Enough
Scratch that, I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH!!!!
By Satari Kay Durrah
As I sit in a crowded conference room, I feel so alone. How is that possible you might ask? Well as I look around at the various faces, no one looks like me. I listen to the voices and no one speaks like me. I am the most melaninated person in the room and to top it off, I have locs the entire length of my back. What a way to stand out.
An overwhelming feeling of doubt begins to set in. I try to calm my nerves before my anxiety level rises. I can feel beads of sweat as the form across my forehead. I can’t help but to second guess myself. Those daunting questions begin to rear their ugly heads. Questions such as: Do you belong here? Do you think your voice will be heard? Do they “SEE” you?
This isn’t the first time these types of questions have crossed my mind. The self-doubt is real. Why is it that I constantly feel inadequate? How do I overcome these fears? I recall all the positive affirmations, mantras, etc. Nothing seems to work so I continue to sit there and observe the different faces. I make a mental note of everyone in the room and how they interact with the other attendees. The hugs and the handshakes are two commodities that are not offered to me. It’s cool I tell myself but deep down inside I know it’s not.
As the conference begins, we are all asked to introduce our self and give a little background information that includes an interesting fact. I sit there anxiously awaiting my turn. Why can’t we just start the meeting? I am good with skipping the ice-breaking part. It’s obvious these people know each other. Finally, its my turn. I state my name and where I am from and it feels as if every eye in the room is on me. I don’t have a fancy title like majority of the others, but I do have some accomplishments that I am proud of. I inform them that I am an author and I have two Masters who is working towards my doctoral degree. As soon as the words leave my mouth and I look among the crowd, I can see the shock wave. I guess some of them had never heard “don’t judge a book by its cover”.
During the conference I was able to provide valuable input and I solidified my position at the table. I left the conference with several business cards and direct contact information. It was at that moment I made a conscious decision to make sure I am SEEN and HEARD anytime I enter a room regardless of the attendees. I will not allow myself or anyone else to make me feel as if I am not enough. I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH. This is not meant to be arrogant or boastful. It is meant in the humblest way as possible.
It has taken me many years to build up my self-esteem and realize that I am worthy. I am now comfortable in my skin. I accept all of me. Flaws and all. I have not always been sure of my purpose or if I had a purpose. I had to take a journey on a road of healing from the abuse I had suffered over the years. I could no longer go through life with resentment, low self esteem and feeling worthless. God had a plan for me through it all (Jeremiah 29:11– For I know the thoughts that I think toward you (SaTari), saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.).
I am a true testament of how God can use the least of us if we are willing to be used. I no longer worry about who accepts me as I am. My goal in life is to live each day better than the day before. I want to encourage, empower and equip others along life’s journey.
If you are reading this, I want you to know, the road isn’t going to be easy. There will bumps and detours along the way. You must stay the course. Surround yourself with like minded individuals and don’t be afraid to ask for help. The thing to remember is God has a purpose and a plan. The beginning may not look promising meditate on the words Paul said to the Philippians in Chapter 3 verse 13-14 – Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.
I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH!!!!